As a bit of fun I have imagined a crazy continuation for Star Wars Episode Seven…. Hope you like it.
Luke has turned to the dark side mostly because he was bored and the evil ones always get the best chicks. He dons a mask and pretends to be a dark Lord. No one else knows who he is and he enjoys the anonymity. The pay is better and his ship goes faster. Gathering the remains of the Empire around him he goes in search of the last Jedi, secretly hoping it is a lady Jedi that he can get friendly with.
Meanwhile, Princess Leia has become a feminist and having defeated countless enemies she has thrown away her light sabre in disgust at their weakness. Unable to find a real man, she now runs a health food shop and is heavily pregnant with a surrogate child. Actually twins (blame her mother). She pines for the days when she ran her own nation.
Han Solo hit the bottle soon after breaking up with Princess Leia. She was too much of a handful so he hit the space highway. He makes a living smuggling illicit fast food and soft drinks from planet to planet, much to Leia’s disgust. The Millennium Falcon is now way past its best and limps from place to place scraping by heaps of space junk that drift around.
Darth Vader is still alive and in a home for retired villains who became sort of good again. He didn’t really die, it was all a bad dream. They put his helmet back on and he survived. Far from being in a Jedi heaven he is now a resident of a home for alien elderlies and dribbles a lot into this breakfast cereal. All his midi / metachlorians have left for the beach and he no longer has any powers. Ahhh. However he still remembers all his past glories and delights in recalling them to anyone within earshot.
Chewbacca is now father to twenty young Wookies. Overrun and overworked, he escapes to his job every day he can. He earns a living guiding tourists around Kashyyyk while explaining the finer points of philosophy, the meaning of life and the supreme being with his trademark ‘raroorowwwwull!’ Strangely no one understands a word, but the scenes are pretty.
A faction of 10,000 clones have learned about their true past and rebelled. Wearing their old uniforms they have escaped servitude and opted for a life of leisure and indulgence as hippies. They set up a commune and roped in some local females on the paradise planet of Ylesia. Everything was going really well until they upset some local fanatics and ended up in a never-ending war all over again. Fortunately they kept their uniforms and blasters…. They all answer to the name ‘Bob’.
Luke succeeds in finding the last Jedi who turns out to be his own child, created by artificial means while he was in hospital, and who has been parented by Lando Calrissian (who had a secret crush on him for years) with a slave girl he freed from Jabba the Hutt.
The last young Jedi is a girl (naturally) who enjoys drag racing, arm wrestling and bungee jumping. When told about her powers she says ‘yeah, so what, they can keep the Galaxy for all I care’ and elopes with a hunky dune biker in the direction of the nearest horizon. Luke tries to stop her and she uses the force against him.
Luke calls on Leia for support and together they talk his daughter into a life of selfless dedication to the Force. She agrees to this on condition they buy her a guitar, a pimped out space ship and take her snow boarding three times a year.
The galaxy meanwhile is a total mess. Space junk clutters up most hyperspace lanes and each planet has long since given up on being ruled by an Empire that did not work. Everyone is happy again and dances to non-disco music in their own dialects.
The Death Star project has long since been downgraded to the Intergalactic Communications Monitoring project, due to lack of funds. The majority of previous employees of the Empire were laid off years ago and most make their livings from vehicle maintenance, dentistry and working as security guards.
The Sith formed a heavy metal band and tour regularly wearing their costumes. They have a following on most planets and have tired of ruling the galaxy. ‘We could right, if we wanted to, but then some Jedi dudes would come and chop us up, so whatever.’
The Skywalker clan relocates to a far flung planet and become Vegans. Han Solo shunts a space station and ends up in jail with a broken wrist. No more drinking for him. Chewbacca becomes a linguist. Lando Calrissian volunteers to be the Skywalkers’ housekeeper, which they accept reluctantly. Darth Vader bores everyone to death with his stories of galaxy domination and Death Stars, until someone slips a poison into his Horlicks. The galaxy survives the whole episode largely intact. The Ewoks do not feature at all and save no one from anything. They play in the trees like little teddy bears in a nursery rhyme and look after a princess figurine of their own. Ahhh. Everyone lives happily ever after (well mostly).
D. M. Jarrett